Please note that any offensive words I’ve used were only thrown in to more properly illustrate my point that Forums = full of asshole pinheads, not to offend anyone. When I’m trying to offend you, you’ll know it.
-Aunt Becky
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Ignorant Newbie Asks Innocuous Question: “Why are hedgehogs underrepresented in today’s media?”
Guy Who’s Been Ar0nd For Eleventy-Bajillion Years Who Gets Snippy When Rules Aren’t Followed: “Please search the archives for an answer to this – it’s already been discussed.”
Ignorant Newbie: “I’ve searched the archives. I can only see a question about Kumquats in the media.”
Person Who Has JUST Discovered The Internet: “OMG. YOU GUYS! I just got an email about people with HIV who stick there dirty needles underneath your car handle! BE CAREFUL!”
Self-Proclaimed Grammar Nazi: “Please use the proper word – “it’s their,” not “there.” Using the wrong one makes you appear to be a toothless yokel.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “I’m amazed by the blatant sexism here. ARE YOU REFERRING TO RAPE? RAPE ISN’T FUNNY!”
Pedantic Guy Who Has To Pick Apart Whatever Has Been Said Regardless Of Whether It Has To Do With The Subject: “You say, “blatant sexism,” yet, I see no mention of gender. Or rape. Perhaps you are trying too hard.”
Guy Who Makes EVERYTHING Political: “Abortion is murder! Obama is to blame!”
Woman Who Blames Everyone For Being Dramatic And Pretends To Flounce Off: “OMG. Can we PLEASE stop being dramatic? HEDGEHOGS ARE CUTE!”
(this message has been removed by forum moderator)
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “HA! See? You just said RAPE. I SHOULD REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE!”
Self-Proclaimed Grammar Nazi: “It’s “sexual assault,” not “rape.” Please, get a dictionary, you slack-jawed FemiNazi.”
Forum Moderator: “Please read the rules of this forum. We do not tolerate threats – idle or otherwise. Also: foul language is not appreciated.
Pedantic Guy Who Has To Pick Apart Whatever Has Been Said Regardless Of Whether It Has To Do With The Subject: “What, pray tell, is an “idle threat?” Please explain.”
Guy Who Pops In Simply To Break The Rules: “I’m gonna kick your motherfucking ass.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “I am a woman. I can do anything you can do better. Therefore, I will kick YOUR ass, then report you to the police.”
Guy Whose Wife “Just Doesn’t Understand” Him: “Sighs, I wish my wife were feisty like that. My wife, well, she got fat and lazy after she popped out our kids.”
Guy With Badly Drawn Four-Leaf Clover Who Likes To Use His Irish Background To Grope Girls on St. Patrick’s Day but Never Has Anything to Say About the Conversation at Hand,” O’DOYLE RULES!”
Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts With Everyone: “I got a hedgehog for you, baby, right here.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “You are a DISGRACE TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE, YOU WHORE.”
Guy With Badly Drawn Four-Leaf Clover Who Likes To Use His Irish Background To Grope Girls on St. Patrick’s Day but Never Has Anything to Say About the Conversation at Hand, “Hey baby, wanna cyber?”
Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts With Everyone: “24/F/Chicago.”
Guy Who Has Hooked Up With Inappropriately Flirty Girl Who Now No Longer Pays Attention To Him: “Sighs. I thought it was love. I knew I loved her. Why, o! why doesn’t she love me back?”
Chick Who Wants To Drive Traffic To Her Blog: “OMG, I just wrote something about this on my blog [insert link to unrelated blog entry].”
Guy Who Tries To Steer The Conversation Back To The Original Question: “Don’t you think Sonic the Hedgehog is big enough in today’s media?”
Guy Who Randomly Pops In To Hypocritically Tell Everyone That They’re Losers For Responding: “U R a bunch of losers.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “How dare you! You are clearly anti-women! We should burn you alive!”
Chick Who Wants To Drive Traffic To Her Blog: “Oh my GOD, I wrote about THAT too! [insert entirely unrelated blog entry link].”
Pedantic Guy Who Has To Pick Apart Whatever Has Been Said Regardless Of Whether It Has To Do With The Subject: “I cannot believe that anyone who talks in text-speak should be allowed on the Interwebs. You, sir, are the true loser.”
Guy Who Simply Likes To Start Shit: “If you’re such a feminist, why are you bashing another woman? Having a healthy sexuality is not the same as being a (as you put it) ‘whore.’”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “Women should have healthy self-respect and not fawn all over any guy who looks at her twice. Just look at me! 35 and still a virgin! Why? I haven’t met the right guy yet.”
Chick Who Wants To Drive Traffic To Her Blog: “Also, I am running a contest. Go vote for me!!!!! [insert link to contest]”
Guy Who Simply Likes To Start Shit: “You’re a virgin because you still live at home with your Mom and her 45 cats. You probably have a “A Woman Needs A Man Like A Fish Needs A Bicycle” bumper sticker.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: Mr. Muppets and Mr. Sprinkles are the only things that make my world worth living. And so what about my bumper sticker? ARE YOU DISCRIMINATING AGAINST WOMEN?”
Guy Who Simply Likes To Start Shit: “I bet you’re ugly as hell.”
Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts With Everyone: “I’m pretty sure no man would dare stick his dick inside you. There’s prolly barbed wire in your vagina.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “THIS IS AN ATTACK ON ALL WOMEN EVERYWHERE.”
Guy Who Comes Onto The Board Simply To Whine About His Life: “I’d LIKE to respond to your question about hedgehogs, but my dog just died, my mother has cancer, I just got laid off, and my girlfriend left me for my best friend.”
Guy Who Simply Likes To Start Shit: “I bet you’re ugly too.”
Girl Who Inappropriately Flirts With Everyone: “Poor baby – wanna come over here? I got a webcam!”
Ignorant Newbie Tries To Steer The Conversation Back: “Uh, sorry about your Mom. Do you know much about the media and hedgehogs?”
Girl Who Is So Deadpan It’s Hard To Tell If She’s Being Serious: “Do hedgehogs really like shiny rings?”
Ignorant Newbie: “Uh, no. That’s just a video game.”
Girl Who Is So Deadpan It’s Hard To Tell If She’s Being Serious: “That’s bullshit. Hedgehogs ARE all blue, right?”
Ignorant Newbie: “Uh, no. That’s just a video game.”
Girl Who Is So Deadpan It’s Hard To Tell If She’s Being Serious: “Now I can see why the media doesn’t give a shit about hedgehogs – they’re boring as hell.”
Asshole Guy Who Occasionally Comes Around Simply To Use Inappropriate Words: “U R A Fag. Who gives a shit about those stupid rodents, you fucking r*tard.”
Ignorant Newbie: “I’m uh, not gay – I’m married with three kids. And I take offense to you using the “r” word.”
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women: “How DARE you use the word “fag!?!?!” You should be sued!!!!!!”
Asshole Guy Who Occasionally Comes Around Simply To Use Inappropriate Words: “Your wife is prolly a fag, too, assmuncher.”
Emo Teenager Who Whines About Her Life At Every Opportunity: “My life is so hard. My mom, like, makes me fucking go to school and shit. All I want to do is work at 7-11. I don’t need a GED for that. She’s such a bitch.”
Asshole Guy Who Occasionally Comes Around Simply To Use Inappropriate Words: “U R A Cunt.”
Girl Who Is So Deadpan It’s Hard To Tell If She’s Being Serious: “I cannot wait for you to find some new, enlightening words with which to bash us. Try Thesaurus.com.”
Forum Moderator: Asshole Guy Who Occasionally Comes Around Simply To Use Inappropriate Words has been banned.
Woman Who Self-Identifies As “Feminist” And Uses Word To Bash All Other Women And Is Now Self-Righteous: “I’ve also reported him to the police. I think using the r-word is illegal. I’m sending an email to his employer, his wife, and left a message on his Facebook.”
Ignorant Newbie Tries One More Time To Steer the Conversation Back: “So, uh, HEDGEHOGS anyone?”
*crickets*
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What am I missing here, Pranksters? I’ll be adding throughout the day.
The post Anatomy Of A Forum, By Aunt Becky appeared first on Mommy Wants Vodka.