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Crafting Is Bullshit – Or How I Want To Become Paula Deen
I am not a crafty person. See also this: Yes, yes I made that. And I wasn’t trying to suck AT ALL. I know, understatement of the year, right? (why I just joined Pintrest is beyond me – prolly so I can...
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This Message Sent From My Dishwasher
I remember when I got a pager. The thing was gold, tiny, and worn by a nice white suburban girl who was all Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster. I think it increased my street cred by at least -37...
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Anatomy Of A Forum, By Aunt Becky
Please note that any offensive words I’ve used were only thrown in to more properly illustrate my point that Forums = full of asshole pinheads, not to offend anyone. When I’m trying to offend you,...
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Things I’d Rather Be Doing Than Potty Training
0) Rebranding myself a “social media maven.” 1) Listening to John C. Mayer croon about my body being a wonderland. 1) Decoding passive aggressive Facebook status updates into anagrams about zombies. 2)...
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How The Light Gets In
Drive your cart and your plow over the bones of the dead. -William Blake A friend of mine, a great many years ago, once told me, “Jesus Fuck, Becks, can you ever catch a break?” I don’t believe he was...
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One Moment In Time
“Moment after moment, everyone comes out from nothingness. This is the true joy of life” - Shunryu Suzuki I’m not going to sit here and tell you that everything is okay, Pranksters. That would be a...
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Things I’ve Learned While Searching For Jobs
Dear Pranksters, It’s hard to follow a post like Swan Song up with anything. Everything I’ve managed to come up with sounds too trite, too stupid, too (as a former troll called me) “navel grazing*” So...
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When Refrigerators Attack
Scene 1 – My new kitchen, middle of the work day on Thursday: Me (humming the Flight of the Bumblebees and wondering how THAT became my theme song): “Man, I am THIRSTY. I should grab a nice, tasty...
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Princess Peachy Poo
We’d been tasked, The Guy (at the time) On My Couch and I with wrangling the children outdoors because the window guy was indoors, ripping out our old drafty windows and installing brand-spankin’ new...
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Parent of the Year Strikes Again!
Scene: My Living Room, Saturday Afternoon Me: (mumbles to self while setting up Christmas tree) Alex: (perplexed) “Hey… Mama?” Me: (pulling head from underneath spiky needles of doom, expecting the...
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2012: A Space Oddity
Once a year, every year since dinosaurs typed out blog posts with their wee flailing dinosaur hands on their gigantic Stone Age laptops, I do a Meme. Generally speaking, I do not like Memes. I do not...
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Providence, Part Deux*
I don’t get the impression, Pranksters, that a lot of us hold much stock in the idea of Providence (always with a capitol “P”) because, well, we’re a little bit jaded. It’s hard to see a world in which...
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TICKle Me Alex
“We live in the park!” is the brightly canned response I give my kids whenever they’re stuck staring at a mountain of gleaming green goose poo or shrieking about spiders daring to breathe in their...
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Mother Thinks The Birds Are After Her
Despite my almost encyclopedic knowledge of Britney Spears* it comes as a shock to tell you, Pranksters, that my brain banks hold no information about birds. I take that back. This is what I know about...
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Panic! At the Pool!
Part I After wandering through the endless labyrinth of badly-carpeted halls while lugging the absolute most amount of crap I’ve ever packed for a trip, finally, we reached our room. The kids, by this...
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Things Unsaid Today
“I was so happy to see your Mom at Alex’s concert the other day. Saw she’s using a cane now, so’s mine. She’s been falling a lot – I’ve had to go over and help her off the floor more times than I care...
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Twi Hard
Yesterday at 1:14 Me: “You know what I don’t get? TWILIGHT.” Lauren: “Oh Em Eff Ge I LOVE those books.” Me: “How can you read them? Stephanie Meyer can’t write herself out of a paper bag?” Lauren: “I...
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